In January, this week in July marked the
addition of a new member to our family. But at 12 weeks pregnant, I had a
miscarriage. Other than my fear of hospitals, surgeries, and being put under anesthesia, the hardest part for me was to realize that the next addition to our family was not yet ready to come and our plan was not going to come to pass
in the fashion we had hoped for. We wanted to have these kids 18-24 months apart
and get in 3 or 4 before I was 37ish. Heavenly Father has a different plan for us and that IS OK. At the time, it felt so urgent. Now I look back and realize that time is truly relative and I can't control the timing on all things in my life, and that is something I STILL need to learn.....obviously. :) I should be willing to open my heart more fully to the will of the Lord and His desires for my life because they are greater than anything I could possibly dream up. Though I must say, I have yet to truly learn this lesson. I am anxious and ready and waiting for that next baby to come along. I still want it right now.....But I know that will happen when the time is right and until then all I can do is focus on the here and now and what I good I can bring about.
I know that in these little things great things are brought to pass. I quickly began to realize what this had
given me was a new-found hope for a brighter tomorrow; A chance to get into better
shape (I have changed my eating habits and lost 10 pounds), a chance to spend more time with Eliza without the added morning (all
day) sickness and exhaustion…And looking back now, it was a beautiful chance to
strengthen our marriage, have a fabulous vacation, begin to make and accomplish goals as a
family, and it gives me ability to work more this fall and spring to help pay for Matt’s
tuition. All of which would not have happened if the pregnancy had continued. Not to mention, Eliza was not walking until 6 weeks ago so that would have been interesting. Heavenly Father has a plan for each of us and He knows what we need almost always before we do.
I have been thinking alot lately about my Savior and what my true path is in life. I
feel it a great blessing to have the opportunity to be reminded often of the
Savior’s love and Atonement and the sacrifice made on my behalf. He suffered so I could
live…..literally. I am grateful for stumbling blocks in my plan of life that
allow me to grow spiritually and emotionally. Heavenly Father has a greater plan
for each of us that will probably not be fully realized by any one of us in
this life. I think we often feel out of reach of our divine potential if for no other
reason than we don’t know how amazing we are and what we truly are capable of.
Many times I find myself too tired or too shy or too impatient or too anxious or too this or that to truly even
step on one of the pedestals closer to my Heavenly Father and why do I do
this?? That is the trivial question for all of us, right? How can we know
where we came from and where we are going and not live each moment at a greater
capacity? The natural man truly is an “enemy to God.” I often find myself
wondering why can’t I do more? Why can’t I be even better? and so on. This is
why we ALL need our Savior. We must come unto him and allow the Atonement that our Savior has given us to share in and lighten our burdens, suffering, sorrows, sin, and even imperfections.
BUT we
can do more and be even better. The Atonement also allows for growing
pains. We change over time, we learn, we fall and get up again and we hope the
next time we are a bit higher so the fall will be more of a tumble and our firm
foundation will have been built with many pedestals toward our Heavenly Father’s
divine potential for each of us. That is what this life is all about. We are
not here to be perfect, we are here to learn and grow and become the best we
can be. Each day is filled with possibility and ups and downs and when I look back on my day, I
want to be a little closer (higher on the pedestal) to my Heavenly Father’s
divine potential for me.
Life is hard
and I have had my fair share of hard things that have truly rocked my world and
turned it upside down (many of those things out of my control completely) but with this knowledge of my Savior’s sacrifice and love and my
Heavenly Father’s love and DIVINE plan for me, I always have a light to look up to and
the dark tunnels don’t seem so long because even if I can’t see the light, I
KNOW if I endure to the end light is there at the end of the tunnel. And I KNOW that I will travel through
many dark tunnels in my life. I consider it a kind of sacred blessing to be given adversity to help me grow and become more like my Savior and what my Heavenly Father sees I can become. I love the quote in Mulan, "the flower that blooms in adversity is the rarest and most beautiful of them all." We ALL have the opportunity to be that blossoming flower in our adversity. It is not easy and hard times can last for years and years with seemingly no end in sight but if we are always spiritually watering our souls, even in the most agonizing adversity, we can flourish and grow. Through his Atonement, our Savior has given us this priceless gift.
We can be assured that our future is always bright. Hearts full of Faith and hope are beautiful opportunities to
show our Heavenly Father and ourselves that we can do it. Faith and hope truly are 2 of my favorite words in the English language. They give me knowledge that even if we feel defeated, we truly are only on a journey that will ALWAYS have a happy ending. I look forward to the day when the end of my life has come and I, like Paul in 2 Timothy, am able to say, "I have fought a good fight. I have finished my course. I have kept the faith."
Well that is not entirely where I saw this post going but I do hope to have more blog/ journal like entries like this where I can leave a message behind for my children to read and remember that their mom has a testimony of the teachings of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and lived by it.
