Well it sure didn't end how we imagined it would. On January 29, Eliza's birthday, my water broke and on January 31 just after midnight, This little guy couldn't stay in any longer and he was delivered. At only 18 1/2 weeks pregnant, we lost this little baby. He is now our little angel in heaven that shares his wings so we can continue to fly high. He was 9 inches long and perfect.
We named him Darrell Ammon Stacey after our fathers. To quote Dad Stacey, "now he can take his heritage back with him." My time with him was short but I had felt his vibrant spirit at 12 weeks when he started moving around. I feel it was a tender mercy that I got to feel his movements so early in the pregnancy. We are also very grateful the hospital staff continued to gently encourage us to see him and hold him. We both had come into the hospital saying we didn't want any details or to see the baby. I will forever be grateful I got to hold his little body in my hands.
Through this and many other journeys, Matt and I know and have witnessed that blessings are poured out in abundance a midst these hard trials. It does not take away the pain.......it merely gives way to new paths. It still stings when we see a pregnant woman or a sweet little baby but I know my Heavenly Father will continue to bless me in whatever endeavors I am to pursue. I'm grateful to know I have a Savior that lived perfectly and sacrificed his life so that even in the midst of great suffering, I can still feel so much peace and joy. He is my greatest source of strength.
Everyday, I wonder why me? and why couldn't this little one have been able to join our family on earth? And why am I having to wait so long to have this great, righteous desire of my heart be fulfilled? I don't know the reasons. ALL I know is I have been blessed and taught and have total faith in God's plan for me. That does not mean that I don't constantly live with an anxiety of the unknown or the what-if's. Because I do! But even in that growing uncertainty, I know that I also can make everyday count. Corrie Ten Boom who suffered the unimaginable during World War II said it well, “Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.”
I can't control the future. I can't control how many kids I have. But there are many things that are in my control, including finding happiness during the trials and living everyday serving and trying to be a little bit better..... more like my Savior would have me be. I constantly think that I don't want to look back 10 years from now and wish I had not worried so much but rather that I had moved forward in faith. I know I can because I KNOW, in the end, the path that I look back on will be just what I needed to become who I needed to be and will have lead my family where we needed to be. It's HARD for me and it's something I am constantly working on.
Anyway, this has been a hard loss, and it has reaffirmed my convictions about how strong the human spirit is in times of true hardship. And how much the Lord's arms are extended in great love in my tears and sadness. I love this quote by President Monson,"Our Heavenly Father, who gives us so much to delight in, also knows that we learn and grow and become stronger as we face and survive the trials through which we must pass. We know that there are times when we will experience heartbreaking sorrow, when we will grieve, and when we may be tested to our limits. However, such difficulties allow us to change for the better, to rebuild our lives in the way our Heavenly Father teaches us, and to become something different from what we were—better than we were, more understanding than we were, more empathetic than we were, with stronger testimonies than we had before."
Sooo maybe in a couple of months, we will have some more great news to announce.....another baby on the way. Or maybe the doctor's will give us news that nobody wants to hear. Either way, I don't know how or when or in what capacity, but I know our family on earth will grow. It may not even be in our home, but family is found in many places. And I will always be grateful to have my Eliza who lights up the world around her with hope and joy and adventure. She, along with her daddy, are my greatest treasures on Earth.
There is a group of women who make these little wraps for these situations. It was so nice to have such a beautiful keepsake that he was wrapped in for awhile.
The hospital even gave him his own little name tags. We are thankful for the memories and momentos we were given in such a hard circumstance.
And finally, a sweet lady made little molds of his hands and feet.
One of my all-time favorite quotes and quite applicable:
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain."
